Friday, July 31, 2009


I've been contemplating my role as a mother lately. I feel as though I have done a huge backslide in my life. That perhaps my children deserve better or more. They didn't choose me as their mother. They didn't choose the life that I have provided them. 

Then I think about my life as it was 5 - 6 years ago. I was living in the West End with my ex-husband and my then three children (now there's one more). We had worked so hard for the things we had, a fairly large house in a nice neighborhood, nice cars,nice clothes, nice toys and we tried to sacrifice some things so I didn't have to work. We were members of a nice church made up of young families, just like us, who did good things for those less fortunate. We decided to move to our Dream House, the one that had EVERYTHING we wanted (not needed), especially space, 4000 square feet and an attic to finish, decorated perfectly by me. It was more than enough for us. After moving into that house, things came crashing down. 

Fast forward: All of those things are gone. I have spent the better part of the last 5 years mourning those things, hating myself for many decisions that I made and how they have affected me and my children. And sometimes accepting the consequences that have come with those decisions, but mostly not.

I want to stop right now to say that this does not come out of unhappiness with the people in my life. This comes out of an expectation of what my life should have been like and what I thought was important. And there is a long list of those things. 

Ok, so what I have learned as I watched my kids moving their furniture and building a small fort in their tiny little bedroom today was that it's not about what I have provided them with physically. It's not about how their father can provide so much more for them (and he frequently strives to do so, and I frequently clench my stomach when he does), or where they live, or how big our house is...... 

It's about their character. It's about them watching me in my struggles and seeing how I handle them. 

If we were comfortable, we would never be broken. 

If we're never broken, we never look for more, we stay comfortable.

It's from my brokeness that my children see my strength. 

Monday, July 27, 2009

Warrior Chick

I was asked to be part of a small group of women that are getting together to read a book called "Warrior Chicks".

"All of the women in the group are strong leader types, and you're the one that the extra book in my car was meant for!" my friend said.

I was pretty excited about it. I have been in a number of Women's Bible Studies that have left me feeling empty. And well, my track record is not so great as far as small groups are concerned. My husband and I have tried a bunch, we're your basic small group whores, we try one once and never go back (for various reasons like, they're too far away or we have to work that night for the next 6 months, or whatever). So I had high expectations for this group,
and I did wonder how all of us strong personality leader types were going to get along.

A few questions I had as I anticipated our first meeting, and the answers I found after our first meeting:

1. Who would lead?? We all seem to naturally gravitate toward leadership, and when you are a born leader, you can't help but lead. I found myself making a conscious effort to let Karen guide us through the questions. It was a relief to have the shoe on the other foot, and just let someone else take responsibility for something. Phewwwwwww.

2. Who would talk? Or should I say who would listen? I have to admit, I like to talk, and when I am around others who like to talk, I talk even more! So, again I made a conscious effort to listen, really listen to these women.

3. Why are we really here? I know that God puts us in different situations and we don't always know why, and we sometimes think we are there to help others, when really they are helping us. I look forward to seeing how this group evolves, and how we each grow personally.

I was a little guarded at first, not sure where this thing was gonna go, but I left there feeling like I was somehow meant to be there. Like we are an underground secret sisterhood of real women, with real struggles and issues.

And week two was even crazier! I never realized that there were other women that are so much like me. What an adventure it is! I can't wait to see what happens next!

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Woke up this morning with a dull headache. Thinking about the fact that my week is coming to an end, which means I start my "work week" in a day or so. I work two 12 hour shifts each weekend. So, what I realized was how fast each week goes by. Same routine, same focus: work each weekend, Monday "put the house back together day", Tuesday - Friday is damage control, pool, kid activities, laundry, clean, church stuff, kid stuff, husband passing at the door............. kinda feel stuck.

So, I'm realigning my thinking. All of the things I've placed importance on like having new things, cleaning my house, keeping up with all of my peers, those things don't matter in the long run.

This week I have NOT done dishes everyday or vacuumed.

I've played with my kids more, I've taken them on new experiences. I went to the mall and DIDN'T BUY ANYTHING!!!!

With my oldest daughter in Macedonia on a mission trip, it's made me realize a few things. Yes, the house is a little bit quieter, and I keep thinking she's gonna come out of her room to ask me something. But...

What I've learned from seeing pictures of them and watching videos ( is that life is not about the stuff. It's about the EXPERIENCE.

So many of us have been blinded by the distraction of THINGS.

Are you one of them?